..

What do you think of yourself,
my naive heart?

You're not as strong as you think.
You're aging, scarring.

Be more afraid,
be more afraid.

Salvation in the knot?

This is a weird age. All single fellow-aged around me seem to be struggling with different variations of 'partner syndrome'. Some are looking, some are confused, some just got rid of one. Past the denial stage, almost everyone accepts to themselves that they are worried about finding the right person, and that too, soon.

I'm not sure if this prolonged waiting and looking makes the future easier for us, because we understand the importance of it, or more difficult, because we become too self-satisfied.

For all, though, marriage seems to be the end point, coveted or dreaded.

We don't want it too soon, for fear of it not being perfect. We don't want it too late either, because we're already struggling for it.

At a friends' wedding today, I had similar mixed emotions. The whole seriousness of marriage makes me both want it, and not want it.

This sure is very very complicated stuff.

Homesick already..

Time has come for me to leave for my first US trip (for the Admit Weekend at Stanford). I'm excited, looking greatly forward to see all that my brand new life has to offer to me. But I am sad, very sad. Maybe I am overreacting. After all, it's just a trip to the US! And Stanford! This is not even the final trip!

I don't want to go so so far away from home, my people, my country, my life. I am not looking forward to leaving this life, starting a new one, based solely on me. I don't want to leave the people I love most in the world, whose lives reside in me. I can detach myself from the experiences, memories, but I can't take this mutual pain of separation.

I am not afraid of the new, but I don't want to go so far away from the old, from what has been mine all my life.

Quit playing games..

You can't just break open the layers,
that you helped grow over my heart.

Ignore my show of strength,
see me without my mask of laughter.

You can't just come and go whenever you want,
and violate my world at your whim.

Leaving here..

This has been a season of change, and one of the peaks coming soon is my shift from Udaipur back to Delhi. Convincing myself of this change was not easy, however difficult this last year has been. My work at Seva Mandir, people here, Seva Mandir's warmth and the things I was learning tried hard to keep me longer, but my conscious effort towards reducing calculation and plunging into things I want to do, finally led me to move on.

Now when I look back, I realize that this has been an amazing year! I will miss a million things, no. 1 being the simplicity and warmth of people in this city and in Seva Mandir.

This year was not only amazing for the people I came in touch with and for the things I learnt, but also for the things I discovered about myself. As I had desperately hoped, I thoroughly enjoyed my work and surprised myself by working hard for it. My contradicting ideas about life, about what is right and what is wrong finally settled and I felt sorted and at peace. My biggest fear of ending up restless and directionless once again at the end of this year slowly died. All the effort that my shift from corporate to development sector and surviving here took, was, now I feel, totally worth it.

Now as I move on towards some to-dos before I start my term at Stanford, I just hope I am able to make most of the coming 6 months too, as I made most of my time in Udaipur.

I've had my run, I'm done. Let me go home.

This festive season is finally making me fathom the extent to which I will move away from home in the coming few years, and maybe more. I'm in Udaipur, away from my folks, not enjoying work as I used to (the air of change that Stanford's result brought is fully responsible for this). Many of the friends and friendships have moved away and winters are playing their mean part.

My parents are crazy happy about Stanford, but are crazy sad about my moving so far away too. Their lives revolve around me and my brother and though the separation is eventually inevitable, this fact does nothing to make it easier for them.

All in all, this holiday season, I just want one thing, and that is to be home.